Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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