Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
