I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
