I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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