I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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