Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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