i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
