I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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