he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
