if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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