I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
