I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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