Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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