I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
