The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
