I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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