He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
