sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Randomize
