The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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