Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
