Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
