I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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