Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Focus
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
