Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
wow bdsm is so cute
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
