Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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