The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
