Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
