i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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