the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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