awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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