Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
