Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
