How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
