Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
