you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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