You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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