I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I enjoy the company of your penis
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
