What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
