For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
