I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
