I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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