If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Randomize
