I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
