Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
