Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
