My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
This is the high leading the old right now
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
