I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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