i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
