I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
