I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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