One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
