He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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